29 Oct 2024
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By Marcus Pearce
With Christmas and the “silly season” fast approaching, feelings of being time-poor and comparing ourselves to others are likely to rise up at some point. The following excerpts from Your Exceptional Life - PSK members can receive the ebook and audiobook for free here – are intended to provide a small challenge to avoid buying into the “busy busy busy” of the end of the year, and to be grateful for what we have, rather than wishing we had what others (seem to) have.
Mastering Time
None of us are without time. In fact, time is the only thing we have. Time is the great leveller of life, each of us having been given 24 hours per day to spend. And the brutal truth is that we spend this time according to our highest priorities. When you or someone else says you don’t have time to do something or see someone, the translation is “There is something I value more importantly than this.” We just prefer to say it more politely. If you’re in back-to-back meetings all day, you might tell your friend “I don’t have time” to have lunch, but really you’re saying that the meetings are more important than the lunch. If an emergency occurred, you’d cancel the meetings and tend to the emergency, because that was more important. It’s never a question of time, it’s always a question of priorities. "I don’t have time" is nothing more than a socially acceptable excuse and all excuses are veiled lies disguised to keep the other person from being offended.
What makes an exceptional social life even more elusive for many is the culturally accepted lifestyle that prioritises work, Netflix and social media over authentic socialising. So precious and novel has authentic human-to-human contact become that we now have the hashtag #IRL (in real life) for it.
Behind the lie of I don’t have time is the truth that an exceptional social life is one of the greatest ways to increase your productivity. For example, if you find yourself regularly working late in the office, setting up a social ‘appointment’ for 6 or 7 pm is the best thing you can do for yourself. It will force you to put your tools down and recharge for the next day. From inviting friends over for dinner to visiting your children each week, attending yoga with a friend or reconnecting with schoolmates, adding the vibrancy of an exceptional social life provides you with an added layer of richness that nothing else can.
Socialising for extroverts and introverts is different
What is becoming increasingly clear is that extroverts and introverts socialise very differently. In her book Quiet Impact, Sylvia Loehken imagines extroverts as wind turbines and introverts as batteries. Whilst both require human interaction for survival, their energy is created very differently.
Extroverts generate energy from their social interactions – they require social situations to actually start the wind turbine spinning and they also require human contact to keep their energy up. Introverts on the other hand wake up with a full battery that is unplugged as soon as they hop out of bed. Social interactions will lower the battery’s reserves – in some situations more than others – and the introvert will then need quiet time to recharge. In an excruciating cosmic joke for many, introverts and extroverts often fall in love with each other and equally are attracted to friends who display their socially opposite behaviour. If you’re an introvert you’re likely looking for a few deep, genuine friendships that could last a lifetime. If you’re an extrovert (which I am), having a large number of casual friends and acquaintances is likely to come naturally to you.
As a result, socialising is energising for the extroverts and for the introverts it can be enriching; when done with the right people. On the flipside, beware of the energy vampires who suck all the life out of you with ‘stinking thinking’ and sob stories. You know who I’m talking about and you know how you feel when you spend too much time with them. As I said at the beginning of this chapter, you become who you hang around, so be very careful who you spend your precious time with.
Social media is not socialising
While over 40% of the global population is on social media platforms including Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Tik Tok and WeChat, it’s easy for people to confuse social media with socialising. On average we spend two hours and 22 minutes each day on social media, giving rise to a belief that we are becoming a more social world. I find next to nothing, however, to suggest that we are becoming better at socialising. At the core of socialising is body language and two-way verbal communication; reading cues and engaging in the art of conversation is sadly dying amongst all generations who prioritise social media over socialising.
Dale Carnegie’s iconic How To Win Friends And Influence People now has an updated version for the digital age, such is the impact of technology on our social skills. Being able to socialise effectively is like a muscle. The more we do it the stronger we get, and the more different settings we place ourselves in, the more adaptable we become. If the majority of our human connection is spent in front of a computer or a screen, our social muscle atrophies and withers. The result is an inclination to avoid social settings, making it difficult to connect with our community. Gone is the belief that ‘a stranger is a friend we haven’t met yet,’ replaced with ‘stranger danger’. How can we improve our social lives living on such high alert?
If we were to give back just half our social media consumption and increase our human connection, share our feelings more, listen to others with compassion and master the art of being ourselves around others, we would not only bring more grace to humanity, we would find our daily lives much more fulfilling and simply easier.
At the same time, social media is not to blame for people becoming socially disengaged. “Social media is neutral,” Dr John Demartini (b. 1954), human behavioural expert shared with me on 100 Not Out. “It’s neither good nor evil, positive or negative. It’s merely a technology to express human behaviour. You can use it to create your virtues or vices. You can use it to share your love and advice. It depends on how it’s used.”
How are you using social media? Is it feeding your deepest desires or your darkest fears? Giving up on social media is not the answer; instead ensure it’s enhancing your life, enriching your friendships and being controlled by you rather than controlling you.
The grass is never greener
Crisis teaches people that ‘stuff’ doesn’t matter; human beings do. Death is a great reminder that all the cars, fancy houses and labels will not bring you fulfilment in the long term. “I don’t care what my neighbour has,” Eddie Jaku shared with me on 100 Not Out. “I don’t know the troubles he has. Maybe he has more money, but it doesn’t matter. My car is a tool to take me from A to B. I don’t care if my neighbour drives a Rolls Royce. This is not important in life. What’s important is your surroundings and your family. Yes, you must strive to have a nice house, but it doesn’t have to be a castle. We are not born with castles. Our ancestors lived in little caves.”
Rather than attempting to keep up with your peer group, heed the advice of Jaku and The Exceptionals by developing relationships without ambition or agenda. “I enjoy catching up with my friends to have a coffee and some cake, too! This satisfaction is like medicine,” Jaku says. “This is why, thank God, I look good, I feel good (and) I walk fast. When people ask me: ‘Why do you walk so fast?’ I say: ‘When you’re my age you don’t know how long you have!’ This is what life is all about. It’s not the big things. The big things you cannot change. It’s the little things that make you happy.”
What is your social medicine? Is it material possessions, news or social media – short-term gratifying drugs that have a never-ending appetite? Or is it your peer group? Time and again, The Exceptionals show us that spending time with people who care about you will remedy most if not all, your ills. You don’t need to keep up with the Kardashians, the Joneses, or anyone else you’re easily jealous of. You need to simply follow the script of Your Exceptional Life and avoid reading the juicy (and often factually incorrect) bits of everyone else’s.
As for all things relating to your health speak with your GP or a relevant medical professional. For all your financial health contact PSK on (02) 8365 8300 or visit psk.com.au
General Advice Warning - Any advice included in this article has been prepared without taking into account your objectives, financial situation or needs. Before acting on the advice, you should consider whether it’s appropriate to you, in light of your objectives, financial situation or needs.
