19 Dec 2024
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By Marcus Pearce
The Christmas / New Year period often brings with it the notion that family comes first. A notion that is both fraught with danger and holds the secret to a great quality of life. To overindulge in family, like good food, is a recipe for unmet expectations and unfulfilled dreams. To ignore and devalue family is the recipe for bitter and twisted relationships and terrible self-esteem.
The following excerpt from Your Exceptional Life – in which PSK members can receive the ebook and audiobook for free here – shows that striking the right balance between family and the rest of your exceptional life is equal parts delicate and essential.
The Power of Exceptional Family Relationships
The Exceptionals acknowledge that family is complicated and shun attempts to simplify it, knowing that such work is futile. There are up to 10 relationships that can impact us – grandparents, parents, siblings, children, grandchildren, intimate partners, cousins, aunties and uncles, in-laws and steps.
The power of exceptional family relationships stretches far beyond emotional connection. There is a disturbing link between the quality of some family relationships – namely your parents and your intimate partner – and your physical health. Lifelong smokers go close to outliving divorced non-smokers whilst cold and tolerant relationships with parents can be a recipe for a mid-life medical crisis.
On the flip side, marriage and children are not the cure-all for longevity. Look to any centenarian Holocaust survivor or war widow and you’ll see that family and longevity do not hold hands. Many an Exceptional has buried children and their soul mate. What an exceptional family life will do is exponentially improve the quality of your life. Your birthdays are celebrated with loved ones, Christmas Day is bereft of awkward or heated exchanges, family holidays are enjoyed rather than filled with narkiness and your regular social gatherings are cherished rather than dreaded.
Expectations, Where All Heartache Begins
As Helena, in William Shakespeare’s All’s Well That Ends Well says: “Oft expectation fails, and most oft there where most it promises.” To paraphrase, expectation is the root of all your heartache, and most often the expectation is placed on people you love or outcomes that would bring you great benefit. Unmet expectations you have on yourself or others will cause you the most heartache.
You didn’t expect someone to die, you expected your spouse to stay true to the marriage, you expected your boss to give you a raise, you expected the plane to depart on time, you expected your healthy diet to make you bulletproof. Most people live their lives with unrealistic expectations of themselves and others, and as a result, live in chronic disappointment. When you release or lower your expectations, you reduce your heartache.
I used to expect myself to be happy all the time (and therefore I experienced heartache when I didn’t feel up and about). When my wife returned to work after the birth of our first child, I expected her to be able to go to work and ‘switch off’ (and then I experienced heartache when she didn’t). You may expect your staff or colleagues to behave more like you and care more about their work. You may expect your children to behave like ‘good little boys or girls’, or your partner to do or say certain things. Most of the time, these expectations are based on what you would do in your life. We are masters at projecting our values and expectations on others. And that’s when heartache arises.
So what do you do with your expectations? You have two options –
- Communicate your expectations. This is particularly important in the workplace and intimate relationships. It’s vital that both parties know exactly what the other wants and expects. It’s also a very powerful exercise in understanding your own psyche and belief systems (you’ll be amazed at how intricate and detailed some of your expectations are).
- Lower or remove your expectations. This is a valuable option in relation to people you do not know or people you have very little chance of influencing. One example is my Mother Darling. She is loud by nature, extroverted and social. I’ve never known her to be quiet or reserved. She will never be a wallflower. If you or I expect my mother to behave any differently, we will be left disappointed.
The more exceptional option is to simply love my mum for who she is, and that is another precious human being. And what’s interesting, is when you truly love someone for who they are, and you stop trying to change them or expecting them to change, you find yourself enjoying their company even more! In the case of Mother Darling, anyone who knows her will tell you how much fun she is to be around. In a world that is so politically correct, my mum is a breath of fresh air, often saying what everyone may be thinking but too afraid to say. She’s great entertainment and a loving, generous soul to boot.
“I don’t know that it exists, the perfect family. It’s always complicated.” Ben Mendelsohn.
Marcus Pearce is a longevity and life design strategist and the author of Your Exceptional Life. He hosts the podcast 100 Not Out: Mastering The Art of Ageing Well, and each year takes small groups to the European Blue Zones of Ikaria and Sardinia.
As for all things relating to your health speak with your GP or a relevant medical professional. For all your financial health contact PSK on (02) 8365 8300 or visit psk.com.au
General Advice Warning - Any advice included in this article has been prepared without taking into account your objectives, financial situation or needs. Before acting on the advice, you should consider whether it’s appropriate to you, in light of your objectives, financial situation or needs.
