26 Nov 2024
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By Marcus Pearce
With Christmas fast approaching, there is often pressure to put your family first. The following excerpt from Your Exceptional Life – in which PSK members can receive the ebook and audiobook for free here – shows that whilst family is important for a great quality of life, it doesn’t come first for longevity.
Family Doesn’t Come First for Longevity
Victor Hugo (1802–1885) is renowned as one of the greatest writers of the19th century. Chances are you’ve read, watched or attended performances of Hugo’s masterpieces such as Les Misérables and The Hunchback of Notre Dame. At the time of his birth, life expectancy in France was 34 years of age. By the time he died aged 83, life expectancy had crept up to 43. Hugo had five children and buried four of them whilst living to more than double the life expectancy of his generation.
The most tragic child fatality was the death of his daughter Leopoldine in 1843. He discovered the shocking news whilst reading a newspaper during a holiday in the south of France. Leopoldine was just married and taking a boat ride along the River Seine with her new husband Charles Vacquerie, when the boat overturned. Leopoldine was pulled down by the weight of her heavy skirts, and Vacquerie tried in vain to save her life. Leopoldine drowned, and so did her husband. In a heart-wrenching twist, it was discovered the 19-year-old was pregnant. Leopoldine’s death broke Hugo’s heart. He went into a deep depression from which some biographers assert he never fully recovered.
Countless examples exist from war where entire families have been wiped out but one or two. The Nazis murdered every member of Eddie Jaku’s family except his sister. Grandparents, parents, aunties, uncles, cousins, you name it. Alice Herz-Sommer lived for 72 years without a husband after Leopold died of typhus. If the worst was to happen and your entire family was to be killed, what would you be left with?
You’d be left with you, and that’s why life purpose comes first in the Exceptional Life Blueprint. The world wouldn’t have Les Misérables if it weren’t for Hugo’s heartbreaking life experiences. He began writing the book just two years after Leopoldine’s death, and it took 16 years to complete. His anything-but-perfect family life was a tremendous source of fuel for his literary contribution to the world.
If you find yourself overcommitted to ‘your family comes first’ mentality and with never enough time to look after yourself, you run the risk of sacrificing yourself for the sake of your family. That is the ultimate lose-lose scenario in life, and sadly it happens all too often. For the sake of a great long life, it’s important to dedicate your life to what you want and not what your family or others expect of you. From premature death, chronic disease and emotional heartache, the consequences can be real and painful.
At the same time, whilst your family won’t necessarily make you live longer, it certainly does wonders for your quality of life. Never lose sight of the fact how much richer life can be when love and loved ones are present. Christmas Day becomes a memory-maker rather than avoiding relatives or gearing up for the annual heated family argument. Births, deaths and marriages are far deeper experiences when partners and the wider family get along.
Family comes first in a crisis or special occasion
There are times when family does come first, and it’s when special occasions and crises occur. Many hard-working people will put their jobs to one side to attend a funeral, a school concert, a sick family member in hospital, a parent-teacher interview, or the birth of their child. At the same time, daily life is littered with examples of these short-term family moments not coming first. How many births, weddings, funerals, first days of school, hospital appointments and sports finals have been missed due to work commitments?
No, family doesn’t come first in the way people think it does. For many, the notion that family comes first is demonstrated by dedicating 80 hours each week to work and provide for the family, and the consequence is that they spend very little time with family. The long-term result is that their children get a great education and have a strong foundation for professional life but perhaps have missed out on the emotional connection that may occur in families where work is not such a priority. Immigrant families in particular are littered with inspirational stories of hardworking parents working around the clock to provide an exceptional life for their children in a new country.
So, be clear on what ‘family comes first’ means to you, and avoid taking it so literally that you need to spend every waking moment with your family. And definitely avoid judging other families for the way they live their ‘family comes first’ culture. Every family does it differently. To truly own your individual ‘family comes first’ culture, ensure that your work family choices are communicated clearly to the family members who are most affected by your decisions.
If you work long hours in your job as a way to provide for your family, it’s important to communicate this to your partner and family so that your work is not a source of resentment. If you travel a lot for work commitments, it’s important your partner and children know why you travel. For me, my kids know I love my work, and they also know that travelling generates an income for our family to live – to be sheltered, fed, educated and to go on family holidays. They know what it means, and they know that I’m doing it because I love to, as hard as it might be to leave sometimes (particularly when the kids are ill or Sarah is struggling).
A final note on every relationship you have
If you’ve ever pulled your hair out in frustration at the resistance of others to change, consider for a moment the wise words of Benjamin Franklin –
“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you’ll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.”
Whether we like it or not, taking responsibility for changing other people is not only frustrating, it’s futile. Expecting members of your family to change or be more like you not only holds you back, it holds back the other person and your relationship with them. If you go on a diet, expect to do it alone and not with others. If you want to travel to Paris, prepare yourself that your partner may prefer to go to Bali. If you want to sell your house, don’t expect your family and friends to agree with your decision – and resist the urge to convince them that they’re wrong and you’re right.
Changing yourself often takes time, careful consideration and the facing of fears. Think of any major decision you have made in life and what you went through, and then consider the folly in trying to change others.
When you truly recognise and appreciate Franklin’s words you will feel liberated and realise how pointless it is to focus on changing other people. You’ll have more energy, more mental and emotional freedom, and more inspiration to dedicate yourself to what you really want for your life. And the best part is that your loved ones will love you for remaining quiet! You won’t be a nag or guilty of backstabbing or making passive-aggressive suggestions. You’ll be far more fun to be around, non-threatening and a sensational example of what it takes to live an exceptional life.
Remember, there is no greater power in life than the example you set. It’s the example set by Mandela, Luther King Jr and Mother Teresa that makes us love them so much. It’s not because they nagged and judged others. When you simply lead by example by creating and living your exceptional life, you create the family relationships you deserve.
As for all things relating to your health speak with your GP or a relevant medical professional. For all your financial health contact PSK on 8365 8300 or visit psk.com.au
General Advice Warning - Any advice included in this article has been prepared without taking into account your objectives, financial situation or needs. Before acting on the advice, you should consider whether it’s appropriate to you, in light of your objectives, financial situation or needs.
